9 Moons Ago

I am having a rough time. I did talk to Cameron tonight. Please pray for me to recover. I don’t want to die, but I do have thoughts of death. I can walk, write and draw but I do not feel like doing anything but singing and dancing and acting. The thing that gets me happy are the blue flowers I wear in my hair at night and the pink veil I dance with. It makes me remember I am an artist and that people are love. I feel happier at the thought of it. I will do more things to make myself well so that I can inspire others again.

Still recovering from my slight relapse of mania. The nurses and doctors that I talked to said that as you get older, the episodes of mania can be more severe and take longer to recover from, but I feel lucky to have such a good support team of family and friends around me. Some people aren’t so lucky and they don’t get the help they deserve.
I’ve got a lot of emotional instability at times, but I can usually center myself pretty quickly. I don’t defeat too easily… and it takes quite a bit to bore me. So, I have a good imagination and I try to use it well each day. I am planning future artwork and writing when my vision is slightly impaired and my concentration is shot. I form the ideas and tuck them away for future use.
There are really really good and productive days, and then there are days where I feel like nothing is going right and I cry quite a bit. I don’t want to hide this from anyone, because I know that talking about it empowers other people in the same state.
I want to draw a self portrait today, but if I find I can’t, I always have an alternative: my camera! My camera is one of my lifelines, as is the music I listen to daily. So, in lieu of a drawing today, I’ll give you a photo. (When I get the self portrait done, I’ll post that, too.)

More and more “thank-yous”, for all the support and love.
I am more than a wee bit excited, shall we say?!

I see the “critical assessment team” today and my Dr. on the 26th again and he’ll be able to see how I’m faring. So far, feeling much much better. Feeling more “myself”, mind isn’t racing, head’s not in the clouds (well anymore than usual), my thoughts are clearer. I’m sleeping better…just starting to, anyway. I’m not so much of a chatterbox space cadet, as has happened in the past. He he.

I’m taking daily walks now, and practicing meditation, when I feel up to it. I may go do a 20 minute session after writing here.

I can tell I am doing well, because I am organized enough to do some cleaning, cooking and some artwork; like creating the new layout for this blog, which takes some brain-power because I do some coding. (I did it all myself. Cameron only helps me with really tech-ie stuff..he’s taught me a lot that I am able do on my own.)

Cameron and I are hanging in there. He HAS been a big support to me, despite the fact that when I am starting to get border-line manic, I tend lash out at him and blame him for EVERYTHING. We are good friends again, even though some people didn’t have a clue that we fight when I’m ill. I wanted to publicly apologize here to him. I hate to hurt anyone, and he’s the last person I’d want to do a hatchet job on. I’m not sure if it is like this with anyone else with bipolar disorder, but plainly put: it SUCKS.

On the good side, I am eagerly awaiting a call about my eTickets, planning a weekend trip with Daniel to see friends in the country and hopefully getting 2 tickets to see R.E.M. in Philly (with my friend Kelly), through the help of Cameron and his band-wrangling ways. I will not be trying to score them for free, mind you. I want to pay for them! I’ll just have to set my my Etsy shop, now, and do some portraits for people who have asked already- won’t I?

I’ll keep you updated yet again. Any comments on the new layout? I may play around with the layout size, or some extra white space in the masthead sometime down the line. Is the pinky-salmon good? Or too pastel, in your opinion? I wanted something warm. But now I kind of want it to be a warm green…Dunno? Calling all artistic minds!

Here are some current photos of me, so you can see that I’m happier and healthier; Amy, the garden and the gazebo:

With your help, I am quickly on the mend.

My big news?

I am planning to return home to PA BEFORE Easter, if possible.
I will see the doctor in 2 weeks, have a physical done, maybe a few sessions of talk therapy. Pack only what I dearly love and can not replace. And have the lightest carry-on bag possible. I want to travel lightly. Because I feel lighter in mood, it will be easier to get around, and they have plenty of entertainment on the plane and in the airports. A notebook and journal for ideas, and a magazine or two and my beloved ipod should see me through!

It is exciting, non?!

Today I am going to help Daniel with house-cleaning for a little while, and I’m going to do a bit of shopping for things such as movies, sunnies (sunglasses for you ‘mericans! he he), and travel prices.
I’ll be around online later in the afternoon or early evening, prob.

Have a fantastico day, mis amigos.
Will be in touch for sure!
Aloha, xo Amy

Here’s a very recent picture of me, in my summer hat, playing with our sexy new camera. More picture to come, esp. of the house we’re in now. (Staying at a friend’s place while looking for a new home.):



HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Ann and to Larissa!