9 Moons Ago

I am having a rough time. I did talk to Cameron tonight. Please pray for me to recover. I don’t want to die, but I do have thoughts of death. I can walk, write and draw but I do not feel like doing anything but singing and dancing and acting. The thing that gets me happy are the blue flowers I wear in my hair at night and the pink veil I dance with. It makes me remember I am an artist and that people are love. I feel happier at the thought of it. I will do more things to make myself well so that I can inspire others again.

Even if you don’t celebrate it, happy Spring, solstice, happy party time! I’m doing really well and hop(e) that you are too!

Yesterday, Cameron and I made a visit to the beach and spent the day happily collecting shells, wading, taking photos and walking in the surf.

I can’t believe how little time we have together now, but I think we are both ready for it, as much as we can be. My stay in the U.S. is going to be a long one, because I am staying for many months, indefinitely. I have spent far too many years away from my family and friends, and my mental health is literally at stake over the whole thing, due to my bipolar disorder, in part. I need my support system around me, not that I don’t have one in Melbourne; but even the landscapes and culture of my homeland are things from which I feel torn. I also often miss out on seeing people I intend to visit, with such a short window of opportunity during visits, especially in the winter, with bad weather and busy holidays.

My brother gets married in June and my sister is having a baby in August, and I don’t want to miss out on Easter, Mother’s Day, 4th of July, Birthdays, Christmas or the simple everyday fun we have as a close knit group, yet again this year. Cam is going to try and get to my brother’s wedding in June. Then it will be played by ear. There is much more that goes into the whole thing, and it will be explained later on, after I’ve had some time to sort out feeling, needs, wants and the rest.

But, back to the beach.

It was a gorgeous day, warm with a brisk and refreshing breeze and we’d wanted to eat at our favourite restaurant there, but found out that a bill had been payed from our bank account earlier than expected, so the funds were not there.
We ended up compromising and going to a small Turkish restaurant, which was just as good, because the food and service there are excellent, and they play lovely Middle Eastern music. I love the atmosphere. (It is not the same one which I mentioned here before, Cafe Umut. I’ll give you the name of this shop once I look up the right spelling.)

The girl who brought us our meals seemed happy and breezy as she prepared things, and she did a little dance when walking back and forth from the kitchen. I smiled and laughed with her, at her playful manner. Cameron and I found that it was a blessing in disguise to be eating here rather than the other restaurant. Just as good a meal, for less cost, good music and a happy, yet quiet, atmosphere. We were the only ones in the place at the time, because it was just about 3 pm.

As we were paying our bill, and getting ready to leave, the girl who had served us said to me, “I can’t let you go without telling you that you have such beautiful eyes! I just had to tell you that!” And I thanked her for that sweetness. I was really taken aback, because it’s a rare thing for someone to come forward like that to be so complimentary. I was touched and it made my day that much brighter.

It just makes me think that if we treated each other this way all the time, how wonderful would our life become? Sure, we all have our grumpy, sour or blah moments, but focusing on other people to smile and laugh with them, or tell them something positive about themselves seems like a most important thing to me, even if the words aren’t many. Something she said, which could seem little, had made my day. Maybe some people live this way every day. I hope to become one of them! Are you up for the challenge? I call for more genuine compliments for people we do, and do not, know! It seems so important in days like these. It IS so important!

Thanks so so so much, everyone, for all your beautiful emails, comments, calls and visits. I was so touched by many of them that I cried, in a good way! I will write to everyone, individually, someday when I get back on my feet. Until then, I’ll post updates and email them to you. If you are not on my email list, please let me know if you want me to add you!

I’ve had success in feeling better! Today has been my best day yet, as far as mood and feeling stable. I don’t feel panicky, jittery, nor angry or moody. I am enjoying arranging flowers, gardening, taking pictures of this house and neighborhood that we are staying in, to eventually put up on flickr.

I have done a load of laundry and organized my things a little, so I can find stuff at a moment’s notice! That really feels good.

Been listening to my favorite music and radio stations, and burning candles and some perfumed oil, in a potpourri-type burner that I got from the in-laws for Christmas. I walked the dogs in the park, and because it was slightly drizzly when I did, I had the swing-set to myself. It’s a nice sturdy one, so that’s good. He he. I sometimes see the mums of the children who play there swinging there too. I think more adults should be able to swing on the swingset without feeling silly. I certainly don’t. It’s one of my favorite pastimes!

The dogs sat patiently in the grass, watching me swing (it’s got a large expanse of grass and trees) and after listening and singing along to a few songs on my ipod, I sat down with them for cuddles. Then we trotted happily home and Mum fixed us a nice dinner of pasties & chips (meat pastry pockets and french fries).

I am taking off work for another week and a half at least, and have made some tentative plan for a visit to the city art gallery with a friend or two in a couple of weeks. There are also plans to visit the beach when the weather is good. YAY!

I won’t say when I am coming home yet, but I know when I plan to, and will contact my family to tell them, before announcing anything online. (It’s exciting though!)

But yes, the recovery is going really well.

I had my blood tests done, saw my psychiatrist, will make appts for some talk therapy and a regular physical w/ my GP in the coming weeks. I see the psychiatrist in abt. 3 weeks again too, to keep tabs on how I’m going with everything.

The Critical Assessment Team says that I am doing so well, that they may only need to see me 2 days over the next week. When they stop coming around, is when I know that I am stable enough to handle things as usual.
So, I hope this ‘lil bit of news will reassure everyone.

I am happy, sleeping much better, far less stressed. Went to dinner at a Lebanese restaurant, and to see the movies to see Cloverfield with “the boys”, Dave, Daniel, and Cameron, and our also our friend Anne. After we got home, and Dave and Cameron were talking outside, I came over and they said to me. “Oh yeah.. we’re thinking of going to the movies next week, do you want to go?”

I told them “YES. I but I get to pick the movie next time. I’ll give you several choices, so you’re not locked into a “chick-flick” though”. They said “DEAL.”

Good! Yep.. things at the moment are in the status of “Very very GOOD”!

Steak or chicken on the grill and salad for dinner tonight.
Now I’m off for a short walk down the street, to rent my musicals! I’ll have to do a handful at a time. Too many favourites, but I’ve got them written down.

Will be in touch.
xo Ames

P.S. HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY TO MY GODDAUGHTER, SHEILA! I can not believe you are graduating and going to University! That means I’m incredibly old! Wasn’t it yesterday that I was buying you Barbies and Philadelphia Flyers t-shirts that were 3 sizes too big?! Love you so much. Give my love to your family too!