9 Moons Ago

Today I was thinking of a funny thing that happened in Melbourne when Cameron and I were driving Ebony to a party one day. There were people on the roadway collecting money in buckets for what we thought was the Salvation Army. Cam handed the money to the man who walked up to the driver’s side window. He smiled at us and called out, “Thanks for saving the gay whales!” We stared at him blankly for a split second before he explained that “the kids love that one!”. He was a volunteer for the Victorian Association of Youth in Communities, which supports young teens who have social and family problems. We laughed long and hard over the one-liner, and I kept the flier in my pocket because it was such a funny memory.

These days I want to keep those funny and good memories in my pocket and do my best to stop rehashing the old broken and negative memories. It’s been a turbulent month as far as recovery goes, but I am getting there. I am happier than I have been in a long while and know how to cope with my emotions in a much healthier way. So far, so good! In fact, I wasn’t expecting to feel this good at all! It’s a most welcome and wonderful feeling.

To all of you reading this and supporting me, I thank you from the bottom of my heart! ;-D
All My Love,
Amy

Because bipolar disorder can throw me for a loop, it can take months after an episode of mania till my thoughts are clear, my vision isn’t blurred and I am not as easily distracted as a puppy with her choice of bacon, liver snaps, a new ball and squirrels all around.

This time it’s been a struggle and sometimes the weeks feel like months, but I’m trying to relax and be gentle with myself. So until I can draw and paint, I am “hand-tinting” photographs in photoshop. I’ve always been interested in portraiture and love life drawing, so I am going to “work with people” in my current pieces. Eventually I’ll be scanning some artwork that isn’t digital or computer-based. Until I feel comfortable enough with a pencil in hand, I’ll have fun this way.

So far, I’ve worked on a portrait of my best friend, Tammy, and of my hero, Michael Stipe (from the band R.E.M.). I got the idea of make-up from his usual stage theatre type of makeup, but I don’t know if I’ll do every portrait that way..we’ll see how it goes.

Believe it or not, I took my first step by “pretending” to paint, dragging empty brushes against the computer screen. The idea sort of grew from there. You do what you gotta do! If you find you are struggling with something that seems unbearable or heavy, I don’t know what to tell you except that it is easier to give up and give in.

It is harder to accept the feelings, but push yourself hard enough to put one foot in front of the other …and then…. take it easy long enough to “fall in a new direction”. Sometimes letting go a bit can give you the answer. I think of it like when you are on a swing and you pump your legs until you’re quite tired, and then you drag your feet against the ground to slow down and let yourself swing a bit wildly and loose and twist up the chains a bit, or go upside-down or just jump off the swing altogether, to land in the soft grass.

Even when you are not struggling, it is good to let yourself break free from the routine of what has always worked in the past.

Still recovering from my slight relapse of mania. The nurses and doctors that I talked to said that as you get older, the episodes of mania can be more severe and take longer to recover from, but I feel lucky to have such a good support team of family and friends around me. Some people aren’t so lucky and they don’t get the help they deserve.
I’ve got a lot of emotional instability at times, but I can usually center myself pretty quickly. I don’t defeat too easily… and it takes quite a bit to bore me. So, I have a good imagination and I try to use it well each day. I am planning future artwork and writing when my vision is slightly impaired and my concentration is shot. I form the ideas and tuck them away for future use.
There are really really good and productive days, and then there are days where I feel like nothing is going right and I cry quite a bit. I don’t want to hide this from anyone, because I know that talking about it empowers other people in the same state.
I want to draw a self portrait today, but if I find I can’t, I always have an alternative: my camera! My camera is one of my lifelines, as is the music I listen to daily. So, in lieu of a drawing today, I’ll give you a photo. (When I get the self portrait done, I’ll post that, too.)

While I’m at home in my own little corner (my own little room), back here in my parents’ house in the U.S.A., recovering from a relapse of my bipolar disorder and some other life-changing events, I have found myself once more smitten with R.E.M., just as badly as when I first saw them on a video in 1991, and sat bolt upright at the edge of my parents’ bed, watching MTV back when MTV played music.

I have been following all the latest press (what I can without being too silly abt. it) and today I heard the whole new album on iLike, which I recommend highly. It gives you a chance to preview the tunes, see if you want to purchase them..and is up till the album release I think, on April 1. I’m going to buy the CD on April Fool’s day, because, although I use my iPod, I like the tactile nature of an album in the hand! Plus, I can listen to it in the car.

I think the album is tremendous. I’ll admit I wasn’t as thrilled about their last two albums, though I really liked the songs. This album is different…It’s got a really good energy behind it, and the messages are strong, positive and invite change, be it political, or personal.

So, though I am perpetually smitten by John Michael Stipe -as you probably already know- I am falling head over heals for this new album and ALL the musicians behind it. (Mike’s vocals are a welcome return!) Please, go have a listen and decide for yourself. My opinion? It ROCKS!