Today I am feeling so much hope and happiness. I have a sense of the upward spiral beginning again. Thank you all for your concern. Got a nice haircut today and haven’t felt low in a couple of days. Played guitar and piano and took a walk with Ike and enjoyed every minute of it. Feeling flat at times, but it’s easier to laugh and feel alive. Please don’t worry, I’m OK. Love to all! xo Amy
Well, I have done it again.
Last week I was in the hospital for a little under a week, to help me get back on track with my sleeping and meds. I have bipolar disorder and have written about it several times already. Feel free to browse the archives. (They are a little messed up at the moment, so it will take some wading, but it’s worth it, in my humble opinion, if you want some insight from someone who lives with this daily.)
The hospital is not the thing that I want to write about at the moment, though.
I want to write about a fun, yet not-so-fun, aspect of this illness.
The celebrity crushes.
I am not sure if anyone else with bipolar disorder routinely suffers from this weird affliction, but I certainly do.
I was first diagnosed with mental illness in 1995, when I’d just turned 21. About September 30, to be exact. At the time I broke down I was at an R.E.M. concert. And my crush was a certain Mr. John Michael Stipe. (I’ll never get over that one, I’m afraid..he was a crush since I was 16. Too bad he’s gay! ;-D )
Well, that crush was the one that lead me to believe that he was in the hospital with me. I told my friend, Tammy, that one over the phone and she half-believed it and was, needless to say, very very confused! Hee hee.
Fast forward to my next hospitalization, and it’s February 2005, Melbourne Australia. I am in the hospital because I believed that Garrison Keillor was sending me dedications over the radio. Yes, everyone reminded me of his age, his looks and that he had a wife and child. That didn’t make it any easier. I decided I needed to get over that one, but it was a painful process. Did I mention that I had a husband at the time? Yes, indeed. That was not my concern. Also, this husband took me to the Melbourne R.E.M. show, where I got to meet Mike and Peter. Can you say “Make the crazy woman even higher without the aid of cocaine?!” Yes, I knew you could! However, since Garrison was supposedly out of the picture, I went back to crushing on Michael and could not believe he had the audacity not to show up to the bar where we were hanging out with the other guys.
I KNOW!
Now it’s three years later and I’m crushing on someone new. He’s 12 years older than me, has grey hair, blue eyes, freckles, is Glaswegian and so hilarious. I watch him at 12:30 am because I knocked out a deal with my family about my bedtime schedule. (Routine is very important when one has bipolar disorder.) He’s a talk show host named Craig Ferguson. I’ve scared my sister good already. I don’t know if she knows, but I’ve read an entire book written by him and watched a movie called “Saving Grace” which he wrote and starred in.. Mom agrees it is great. However, I won’t be trying to email him or get in touch with him because, though I have mental illness, I AM NOT CRAZY! :-D HAaaa.
Crazytown is where I live right now, but it’s not where I want to reside forever. So I’ll crush from afar, and maybe, just maybe I’ll end up crushing on Stipe again after this next concert on June 16…guess who? That’s right! R.E….. oh, you know the story of my life already…. so I’ll just shut up and sigh over this new-to-me drummer/author/actor/writer/comedian. *SIGH*
So, who are YOUR crushes? Crazy or not. Celebrity or nae…
“It’s hard to stay up
It’s been a long, long day
And you got the sandman at your door
But hang on, leave the TV on
And let’s do it anyway
It’s OK, you can always sleep through work tomorrow, OK?
Hey, hey, tomorrow’s just your future yesterday”
Because bipolar disorder can throw me for a loop, it can take months after an episode of mania till my thoughts are clear, my vision isn’t blurred and I am not as easily distracted as a puppy with her choice of bacon, liver snaps, a new ball and squirrels all around.
This time it’s been a struggle and sometimes the weeks feel like months, but I’m trying to relax and be gentle with myself. So until I can draw and paint, I am “hand-tinting” photographs in photoshop. I’ve always been interested in portraiture and love life drawing, so I am going to “work with people” in my current pieces. Eventually I’ll be scanning some artwork that isn’t digital or computer-based. Until I feel comfortable enough with a pencil in hand, I’ll have fun this way.
So far, I’ve worked on a portrait of my best friend, Tammy, and of my hero, Michael Stipe (from the band R.E.M.). I got the idea of make-up from his usual stage theatre type of makeup, but I don’t know if I’ll do every portrait that way..we’ll see how it goes.
Believe it or not, I took my first step by “pretending” to paint, dragging empty brushes against the computer screen. The idea sort of grew from there. You do what you gotta do! If you find you are struggling with something that seems unbearable or heavy, I don’t know what to tell you except that it is easier to give up and give in.
It is harder to accept the feelings, but push yourself hard enough to put one foot in front of the other …and then…. take it easy long enough to “fall in a new direction”. Sometimes letting go a bit can give you the answer. I think of it like when you are on a swing and you pump your legs until you’re quite tired, and then you drag your feet against the ground to slow down and let yourself swing a bit wildly and loose and twist up the chains a bit, or go upside-down or just jump off the swing altogether, to land in the soft grass.
Even when you are not struggling, it is good to let yourself break free from the routine of what has always worked in the past.
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