9 Moons Ago

Hello all. Relay for Life was a blast on the weekend! Pictures and videos can be found here: Relay for Life 2010

I’ve had lab tests, bloodwork, an mri and a bunch of other stuff that all points to my being ready for surgery (a partial mastectomy/lumpectomy) on July the 15th. People have asked me if I’m nervous, but the truth is, not really. I feel positive, hopeful and just take each day as it comes. This is all possible because I have health care and the most overwhelming support from family, friends and the medical professionals that I’ve seen. This will be an outpatient procedure. I will be going home the same day. Incredible what advances in medicine there have been in just five years, let alone since my Grandmother was diagnosed in the late 1950s. She left this world too soon, but her daughter, my Aunt Mary, is a survivor as well, and there are so many others I know who have fought back and won their battles with cancer.

They tell me I’ll have chemo once I’ve recovered from the surgery, and after that, radiation. There is more to talk about concerning those subjects, but I won’t get ahead of myself. Just going to focus on the next step. I will update you when I come to those bridges.

Speaking of Bridges, I watched an old episode of The Closer with Mom tonight, and I think Beau Bridges is stunning in a frock!

I am very much loving the sound of steady rain for a greater part of today. It’s been so dry outside, and so long without it, that I am not listening to music for a change. The rain is a pleasant song tonight.

And I’m still being a goofball, no need to fear any change from that!:

Double Vision.

Fun With Broken Sunglasses.

Self Portrait With Olympus

I am having a rough time. I did talk to Cameron tonight. Please pray for me to recover. I don’t want to die, but I do have thoughts of death. I can walk, write and draw but I do not feel like doing anything but singing and dancing and acting. The thing that gets me happy are the blue flowers I wear in my hair at night and the pink veil I dance with. It makes me remember I am an artist and that people are love. I feel happier at the thought of it. I will do more things to make myself well so that I can inspire others again.

Well, I have done it again.
Last week I was in the hospital for a little under a week, to help me get back on track with my sleeping and meds. I have bipolar disorder and have written about it several times already. Feel free to browse the archives. (They are a little messed up at the moment, so it will take some wading, but it’s worth it, in my humble opinion, if you want some insight from someone who lives with this daily.)
The hospital is not the thing that I want to write about at the moment, though.
I want to write about a fun, yet not-so-fun, aspect of this illness.

The celebrity crushes.

I am not sure if anyone else with bipolar disorder routinely suffers from this weird affliction, but I certainly do.

I was first diagnosed with mental illness in 1995, when I’d just turned 21. About September 30, to be exact. At the time I broke down I was at an R.E.M. concert. And my crush was a certain Mr. John Michael Stipe. (I’ll never get over that one, I’m afraid..he was a crush since I was 16. Too bad he’s gay! ;-D )

Well, that crush was the one that lead me to believe that he was in the hospital with me. I told my friend, Tammy, that one over the phone and she half-believed it and was, needless to say, very very confused! Hee hee.

Fast forward to my next hospitalization, and it’s February 2005, Melbourne Australia. I am in the hospital because I believed that Garrison Keillor was sending me dedications over the radio. Yes, everyone reminded me of his age, his looks and that he had a wife and child. That didn’t make it any easier. I decided I needed to get over that one, but it was a painful process. Did I mention that I had a husband at the time? Yes, indeed. That was not my concern. Also, this husband took me to the Melbourne R.E.M. show, where I got to meet Mike and Peter. Can you say “Make the crazy woman even higher without the aid of cocaine?!” Yes, I knew you could! However, since Garrison was supposedly out of the picture, I went back to crushing on Michael and could not believe he had the audacity not to show up to the bar where we were hanging out with the other guys.
I KNOW!

Now it’s three years later and I’m crushing on someone new. He’s 12 years older than me, has grey hair, blue eyes, freckles, is Glaswegian and so hilarious. I watch him at 12:30 am because I knocked out a deal with my family about my bedtime schedule. (Routine is very important when one has bipolar disorder.) He’s a talk show host named Craig Ferguson. I’ve scared my sister good already. I don’t know if she knows, but I’ve read an entire book written by him and watched a movie called “Saving Grace” which he wrote and starred in.. Mom agrees it is great. However, I won’t be trying to email him or get in touch with him because, though I have mental illness, I AM NOT CRAZY! :-D HAaaa.

Crazytown is where I live right now, but it’s not where I want to reside forever. So I’ll crush from afar, and maybe, just maybe I’ll end up crushing on Stipe again after this next concert on June 16…guess who? That’s right! R.E….. oh, you know the story of my life already…. so I’ll just shut up and sigh over this new-to-me drummer/author/actor/writer/comedian. *SIGH*

So, who are YOUR crushes? Crazy or not. Celebrity or nae…